I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
