the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
