it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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