I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
