my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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