fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
