Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
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the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
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Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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