did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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