a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
