I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
