Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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