Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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