I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
