Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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