I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
