I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
