I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the day after is always just damage control
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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