my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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