Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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