oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
