god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
