You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
