Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
