I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
