I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
