i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dont lie about slip and slides
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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