I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
