So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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