My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
