I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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