This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
