oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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