Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
