I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
