Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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