What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
