I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
