I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
