hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
