How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
