I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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