Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Randomize
