So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
