unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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