sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
