____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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