Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
