the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
