She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
