I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
