I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can't turn off my feet"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
