I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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