I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
