Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
