so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
