guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
